[caption: a watercolor painting of a multicolored bird on a branch wearing a small gold crown and looking angry. it is yelling “I’M THE BEST! I’M THE KING OF ME! I’M GOING TO EAT CHIPS OUT OF THE GARBAGE!”]
Okay, I saw a post the other day about the TARDIS having a swearing filter and now I can’t think of anything else than the possibility that all of the Master’s “My dear Doctor”s are in reality “You fucking asshole”s.
“WOW. You look joost like my Significant Annoyance!”
The Master, expansive and loudly, aggressively cheerful, points to a holographic projection of the Tenth Doctor, sizzling brightly above his console mainframe screen: to put this into context, all thirteen faces of the Doctor have their place on this screen, completing the Master’s look of stalking wanton.
He takes the drink, toasts the image, and downs it.
“Wouldn’t you rather look like ME? What a BUMMER.”
He pinches the bridge of his nose at her ludicrous prancing, trying not to laugh, but the richest cackle eventually escapes him.
Okay, so she totally knew he’d be watching.
She cackles madly and turns on him, looking utterly ridiculous as she runs and leaps into his arms.
“Oooh, kiss me goose! I’m ever so mad for youuuu! You’re the most b-e-a-oooootiful thing I’ve ever seen!”
And then she kisses him, hard enough to smear eyeliner onto his mouth.
“D’you know what I wanna know?” he declares in the middle of all this. “I wanna know why Earth apes …sorry, HUMANS … call TWO different types of fruit ‘grape.’ I mean one is enormous, the other is tiny and makes wine! Why not joost think of another name for the BIG one? ‘Grapefruit.’ Like, what a redundant name!”
He’s stalling on her intentionally, trying to ignore her as she hangs off of him doing a hilariously accurate impression of him. Considering he has eyeliner on his mouth and looks like he just sucked off an inkwell, it’s impressive.
Finally,
“Goose, did you get into the ginger?”
The Doctor wipes her mouth with the back of her sleeve, managing to get most of her ‘beard’ off in one go. Then she licks her thumb and wipes the smudges from her husband’s face, too.
“That’s a really interesting point! Grapefruit aren’t even in the same family as real grapes! It makes no sense! One’s a berry, one’s citrus! It’s madness!”
She wraps her legs around his waist, his hands under her bum to hold her up. But she’s grinning ear to ear, gleefully happy and mad and…
“NO! I’m not DRUNK! Or… inebriated in any way! I’m just REALLY excited! I found a new type of candy and it’s GOOD!”
Were Koschei to examine the half-empty bag of alien sweeties the Doctor had left on the floor, he’d realize that the main ingredient was indeed a derivative of the ginger root. Cultivated and evolved over a few million years, but certainly still ginger. And maybe even a bit stronger than usual, for all the time and effort put into it.
“I completely buy that.”
The Master’s words drip sarcasm. He braces his wife securely with one hand, as she continues to plaster herself to his person. With his other hand, he bends to pick up the candies and narrow his eyes–bereft of his reading glasses, this is a small challenge–and read the ingredients.
“Theta, dear, there’s loads of ginger-like compounds in this. You are absolutely, as your earthies put it, ‘lit.’”
He cackles openly, and drops a loud kiss on her cheek.
“Let’s get you into a nice dark cool room, give you a lie-down, and contemplate grapefruit while we sober you oop. Be thankful I’m not subjecting you to a cold shower, because I’m too great a fool for you.”
Icarus 